Here's another: why are we seemingly unable to let go of our grip on our own lives?
I don't know why humans feel a need to control. I have some ideas about it, I don't know if it's just one thing or millions of little things that influence our need to control. Perhaps it's because we want to feel like we have a say in what we are doing; no one wants to be pushed around. Maybe we want to have power over other people.
But I think the biggest reason is that we want to live the best life possible, so we try to make it happen when we should really just be letting life happen. We think that if we do everything we possibly can to control our circumstances that we will be able to get everything we want.
And we also seem to know a lot about what we want in life. Or what we think we want. We've grown up learning our limits, the things we're good at, our personalities, the things and people we like, etc. We have been told by society, our parents, our peers, what we are apt to become. And we've let these things lead us through life. I've known too many people who already knew where they wanted to go to college, what they were going to major in, where they were going to grad school, where they were going to live with their spouse that they would meet at college orientation, falling head-over-heels in love by day two, and exactly how many children they would have. All before freshman year of high school started.
How can you know you want this? Is it really what you want? Or is it what you feel you have to do? If you've wanted to be a seventh grade English teacher since you were in second grade and you simply do not want to explore other options--and you eventually become a seventh grade English teacher--kudos to you, really. It's great if you truly know what you want to do and that's really what you plan to do.
But for the rest of the world--especially those in college--who is less than certain, let me tell you something.
As you sit here reading this,
think for a minute about everything you've ever thought you wanted in your life.
This includes but is not limited to: your college major choice and your career choice, the activities you choose to participate in, the people you plan to meet, the man/woman you imagine spending the rest of your life with, or at least a significant amount of time, the course you imagine your life taking after the fact.
Got it all?
Now throw it all away. All of it.
Hold your ponies a minute, folks. No, it doesn't mean you ignore everything you've ever liked to do. No, it doesn't mean you screw all your plans to become a doctor if you really wanted to. No, it doesn't mean you become a flower child and go to obscure music festivals and drop out of society altogether. Unless that was your plan.
Think of it like this:
You're life is like a forest. A woody wonderland.
Think of everything and anything you've already taken off your list of things you'd consider doing. Each of those things is represented by one tree. For me, some of those things include a career in mathematics, economics, physics, or chemistry, getting Lasik surgery to correct my exponentially worsening eyesight, having kids, becoming a helicopter pilot, having a job in a cubicle, and buying chinchillas.
That's 1 tree for math, 1 for economics, 1 for physics, . . . a total of 9 trees. And this is only what I could think of in about 35 seconds, trust me, there are at least 2406 more. So 2415 trees. And yes I did use the calculator on my computer to add it. I said I won't have a math career. One tree I won't be cutting down.
So, most likely you have lots of trees in your forest. All of the things in your life that you like are the open spaces between the trees. And if you are trying to navigate through the forest of life, it will be rather difficult to do so without constantly sandwiching yourself between the trees.
What if you could cut down a lot of those trees?
You could run free like a gazelle.
And we also seem to know a lot about what we want in life. Or what we think we want. We've grown up learning our limits, the things we're good at, our personalities, the things and people we like, etc. We have been told by society, our parents, our peers, what we are apt to become. And we've let these things lead us through life. I've known too many people who already knew where they wanted to go to college, what they were going to major in, where they were going to grad school, where they were going to live with their spouse that they would meet at college orientation, falling head-over-heels in love by day two, and exactly how many children they would have. All before freshman year of high school started.
How can you know you want this? Is it really what you want? Or is it what you feel you have to do? If you've wanted to be a seventh grade English teacher since you were in second grade and you simply do not want to explore other options--and you eventually become a seventh grade English teacher--kudos to you, really. It's great if you truly know what you want to do and that's really what you plan to do.
But for the rest of the world--especially those in college--who is less than certain, let me tell you something.
As you sit here reading this,
think for a minute about everything you've ever thought you wanted in your life.
This includes but is not limited to: your college major choice and your career choice, the activities you choose to participate in, the people you plan to meet, the man/woman you imagine spending the rest of your life with, or at least a significant amount of time, the course you imagine your life taking after the fact.
Got it all?
Now throw it all away. All of it.
Hold your ponies a minute, folks. No, it doesn't mean you ignore everything you've ever liked to do. No, it doesn't mean you screw all your plans to become a doctor if you really wanted to. No, it doesn't mean you become a flower child and go to obscure music festivals and drop out of society altogether. Unless that was your plan.
Think of it like this:
You're life is like a forest. A woody wonderland.
Think of everything and anything you've already taken off your list of things you'd consider doing. Each of those things is represented by one tree. For me, some of those things include a career in mathematics, economics, physics, or chemistry, getting Lasik surgery to correct my exponentially worsening eyesight, having kids, becoming a helicopter pilot, having a job in a cubicle, and buying chinchillas.
That's 1 tree for math, 1 for economics, 1 for physics, . . . a total of 9 trees. And this is only what I could think of in about 35 seconds, trust me, there are at least 2406 more. So 2415 trees. And yes I did use the calculator on my computer to add it. I said I won't have a math career. One tree I won't be cutting down.
So, most likely you have lots of trees in your forest. All of the things in your life that you like are the open spaces between the trees. And if you are trying to navigate through the forest of life, it will be rather difficult to do so without constantly sandwiching yourself between the trees.
What if you could cut down a lot of those trees?
You could run free like a gazelle.
Two things prevent this: one, it would be difficult to run through a forest of tree stumps, so theoretically when I say "cutting down", I mean hiring a landscape company to extract the entire root system and stump as well as the tree. Imagine you could be both the ax and the landscape company. And two, we simply don't want to do this.
We are all sort of agoraphobic--we don't know what direction in which to run in an open field because nothing guides us.
This is the same way in life--we don't necessarily fear open spaces and crowds, but we become overwhelmed with too much and we need--we feel like we need--structure and boundaries. We drown in a sea of endless choices and possibilities.
So how do you not drown?
By trusting in your ability to swim.
By letting the water push you in whatever direction it may. Sound a little too bohemian for you? I might be channeling 1960s counterculture, but take it in small doses; let yourself go. Let life lead you instead of leading life.
So you're just supposed to sit there and exist, just a little cellular respiration here and there but no real go-getting, you say? Don't chase after anything, you say? No focus at all in your life, you say?
Well, stop talking for a minute, and let me clarify. Not because I'm corrected or modifying what I said before, but because people think I'm a hippie when I explain this to them. They think I'm an unrealistic dreamer with her head in the clouds. All true statements.
Moral of the story: allow yourself to try new things. Force yourself to try things. Break your mold. You don't have to love everything you try. Just try. I honestly never planned on being the photographer for a bunch of clubs on campus. I never imagined going to a ballroom dance competition after approximately 7 hours of practice. I very well could have stuck with the same things I did in high school, and I thought I would have.
And conversely, don't try to control your circumstances by making things happen before they're supposed to. Here's a grand example: don't go hunting for a boyfriend or girlfriend because (a) you want one right now and (b) you think you know what you want. Don't sit in a chair in a high-traffic area "people watching" while sipping some sort of caffeinated beverage, because we all know about your ulterior motives. Here's why you shouldn't: because people come along when they are meant to, not because you happen to be in convenient locations. And you'll never know when they are meant to--all the fun's in waiting to see when people will appear.
Chances are the person you'll end up with is someone you'd never expect. Someone you almost never would have met if it weren't for that begrudging, last-minute whim decision to go out. Someone you literally bumped into. Someone you met when you weren't in tip-top shape and you were wearing clothes you pulled out of the laundry basket, but at the time it didn't matter. Someone you never would have expected having in your life, or maybe someone who is in your life that you don't even appreciate for their awesomeness. Don't force it, and let it come to you.
Basically, find a balance between actively chasing after things and letting life take the wheel once in a while. If life is just a dance, let it lead you.
Life will work in ways that are magical and beautiful. Sometimes it works in painful and devastating ways to bring you what you need. Life will never give you what you want--it might give you what you thought you wanted, and you might not want what you thought you did; it might give you what you completely did not want, and you might end up loving it. The things that will disappoint you the most are those which you had unrealistically high expectations for, for whatever reason. And the things that will make you the happiest are those things which you never saw coming.
Who was it that ever thought we as humans could ever know what we want? Because we will never be done charting our path. We will never be done figuring out what it is that we want. We'll never be done figuring ourselves out.
cheers,
m
